


What We Have (Is So Damn Beautiful)

by purpleeyesandbowties



Category: EOS 10 (Podcast)
Genre: (sorry), Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Violence, jane johns kicking ass, ryan also kicking ass, there is pain but there is also sappy stuff to make up for it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 13:22:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5541575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purpleeyesandbowties/pseuds/purpleeyesandbowties
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Akmazian runs into trouble on what should be a routine 'business trip' to the Upperlands. Ryan helps in any way he can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What We Have (Is So Damn Beautiful)

**Author's Note:**

> heir-to-the-diamond-throne tells me this fic pairs well with some sad music. :)  
> thanks to heir-to-the-diamond-throne and roomfullofdaisies for crying over this fic and giving me excellent feedback.

Ryan woke to a kiss being pressed into his forehead. Blearily, he lifted his head and found himself inches from a pair of familiar eyes. He blinked his own eyes and said through a yawn, “what are you doing?”

Akmazian’s eyes were lined with tiredness, but they brightened nonetheless when Ryan reached up to place a lazy kiss on the corner of his mouth. Ryan scrunched up his nose at the rough drag of Akmazian’s unshaven face.

“I’m saying hello and goodbye again before I leave. Got business on the other side of the galaxy, love,” he murmured, brushing a returning kiss on Ryan’s mouth.

“What time is it?” Ryan asked, sitting up fully and stretching his arms over his head.

“Early. Really early.”

Ryan tried to suppress his sigh. Akmazian was always coming and going. It wasn’t his fault—he was a busy man. Between trying to clear his name and keeping up with his outside connections, he didn’t have a lot of time for anything else. So Ryan took advantage of every moment they had, beard-burn be damned.

“Early enough that you could….maybe stay a little longer?” he asked, pulling Akmazian in for a real kiss. Akmazian smiled against his mouth, indulging for a long moment.

“I wish I could, darlin’, but I really have to get going,” he said, making no effort to disentangle himself from Ryan.

“I missed you last night. Thought you said you’d be back.”

“I did come back. You were asleep.”

“You should have woken me,” Ryan pointed out.

“Nope. I know you’ve been working double shifts. You need to sleep every once in a while, you know.”

“I also need to see my boyfriend every once in a while. Make sure he’s okay.”

Akmazian grimaced in apology, moving across the room. “I’m sorry, Ryan. I wish I didn’t have to leave so often. I wish I didn’t…”

“I know. When will you be back?”

Akmazian shoved a bag full of his usual supplies—some knives, climbing rope, a blaster and an antique gun (real bullets were a rare thing, so it was more a status symbol than a useful weapon), a med kit, a bunch of credits.

“A couple days. Three at most. I’m headed to the Upperlands.”

Ryan took a breath. He knew how dangerous the Uppers were; just as he knew Akmazian wouldn’t go there unless he had to. And he knew they had talked about boundaries, about Ryan needlessly worrying, and about Akmazian being able to take care of himself. He forced his voice to be light and unconcerned.

“Well, make sure you don’t get yourself shot.”

Akmazian winked. “Never do, darlin’.”

He was out the door before Ryan could even say goodbye.

\--

The day passed quickly, Ryan working another double shift. (And maybe Akmazian was right about needing to take a break, because he was always exhausted. Not that he ever took his own advice—Ryan could tally the days he’d been gone by the bags under his eyes when he returned).

But Ryan had trouble sleeping that night despite being dead tired. He tossed and turned for a few hours, managing to snag a couple hours of dozing. Akmazian had gone to the Uppers before, but it felt different this time. Like something bad was coming. Around dawn, Ryan couldn’t stand another second in his empty bed. He threw off the covers and grabbed his swimsuit.

Even after everything that had happened, being in water always filled him with peace. He’d never be able to dive again—doctor’s orders—but he still loved to swim. He swam laps for a while, pacing himself against the only other person in the pool. Ryan wasn’t sure what species they were, just that they were very scaly and had fins. They proved to be game for a race. Ryan lost, surprising neither of them, and thanked them for their time. He swam over to the other end of the pool and splayed out on his back, enjoying the quiet of being partially submerged. His thoughts drifted to Akmazian, as they always seemed to.

He and Akmazian had been together for about four months. After their initial burst of “oh my god, let’s have sex as many times as possible” they’d settled down into a calmer, steadier relationship. (While sex with Akmazian was fun— _so much_ fun—Ryan found he enjoyed their hours spent in conversation or just enjoying each other’s presence in comfortable silence).

If Ryan was being honest, it was the best relationship he’d ever been in. The relationships of his high school years were a joke at best so he didn’t even count them. He had a girlfriend in college. He loved her, he really did, but after the accident…he loved something else more. She left him after he landed in rehab for the third time—not that he blamed her. He’d stayed clean in more ways than one since then. Aside from the occasional one night stand and causal fling, he hadn’t had a relationship in years.

So, he wasn’t sure how things were going to go with Akmazian. But it was so easy to be with him. It felt natural, comfortable. It felt like Ryan had been secretly waiting to step into that role his entire life. Of course they argued; they were both hard-headed and stubborn. But their fights didn’t last long, and they made up just as quickly. Ryan knew that even when Akmazian stormed out in a rage, he’d be back the next evening with a sincere apology and a sheepish smile. If Ryan was the one at fault, he would make his way down to the cargo bay to apologize. They’d kiss and make up (literally) and talk out whatever they’d been fighting about.

But mostly, they got along perfectly. Their conversation was often both easy and meaningful, and physical affection between them was as natural as breathing. Ryan loved coming home from a long shift to find his boyfriend waiting up for him. He visited Akmazian in the cargo bay so often that Akmazian convinced him to keep a couple changes of clothes down there. For the first time in his life, Ryan had a “drawer” at his boyfriend’s “house”.  In any other situation, it would have felt rushed—they hadn’t even exchanged “I love you”s yet. But yet again, things were different with Akmazian.

The point was that Ryan was ridiculously happy with Akmazian. The only thing that bothered him was how Akmazian conducted ‘business’. His ‘business trips’ had increased in quantity and recklessness since Akmazian had decided to clear his name once and for all. He took on dangerous criminals, broke into storerooms and warehouses and Alliance ships, went through hell and back, all to clear his name.

It was the cause of their latest and worst fight—Ryan just wanted his boyfriend to take a break before he got himself killed.

“Don’t you know why I’m doing this?” Akmazian had shouted. “I’m tired of hiding, Ryan! I’m tired of scraping out a life in the shadows. I’m so sick of being scared for my life all the time.”

He sighed, shaking his head. He said, “I just want to live my life again, Ryan. Not in hiding, not alone in a dark cargo bay. The only time I can be outside the cargo bay is with that goddamn hood over my head. I want to live in the real world, with you. I just want to be free.”

He turned away. Akmazian rarely cried, but when he did, he never looked Ryan in the eye. As if he was ashamed of it.

 Ryan slowly made his way across the room and laid a hand on Akmazian’s shoulder. When he didn’t pull away, Ryan wrapped his arms around him.

“I’m sorry,” he said, not knowing what else to say.  “I’m sorry.”

 

Ryan, drifted in the water, lost in thought. Eventually, the Interface spoke, breaking him out of his stupor.

“Ryan?”  
He started, breaking his back float and struggling to stand in the water.

“What?” he spluttered.

“Don’t you have to be at the infirmary right now?”

“Shit!”

\--

“Hey, Ryan. Didn’t think you’d show up today.”

Ryan made a face at Jane, too rushed to retort. He downed the cup of coffee he’d snagged on the way and grabbed the first patient chart of the day.

“Ugh, Levi, again. Can we just send him back now?”

“Nope. He’s using one of those ‘listen to my deathly illness’ slots you promised him. Hey, why do you look like a prune?”

“Dammit,” Ryan said, referencing both his current state and having to listen to Levi’s newest ailment. “Lost track of time in the pool.”

“I’ll say. Ha, you look like a Deemirdon’s sphincter.”

“How do you know what a—you know what, never mind.”

“Yeesh. Someone’s grumpy today.”

 Jane good-naturedly smiled his glare and tossed his white coat towards him.

“Hey, you got a comm a while ago.”

“I’ll get to it later,” Ryan said, tapping ‘ignore’ on the new message alert. As soon as it disappeared, a new one popped up. Blocked number. Ryan hit ignore, silenced his comm tablet, and shoved it deep in his pocket.

\--

By lunch, Ryan was exhausted. He flopped down in a chair in Food Court Delta, deciding to steal whatever was on Jane’s plate than make an effort to get something himself. He fished out his comm tablet, frowning. Half a dozen messages. He clicked on the most recent one.

There was no video feed. He turned the volume up all the way, straining to hear over the din of the lunchroom. He still couldn’t hear anything.

He rewound the short message and held the tablet up to his ear. He heard two indistinct voices speaking, one calm and even, the other harsh and angry. There was a loud clatter—like something hitting the floor. A grunt of pain. And then, only static.

Jane plopped down next to Ryan. “If you think I’m gonna let you steal my—”

“Shut up,” Ryan said, cold panic settling in his stomach. Jane opened her mouth, indignant, but Ryan interrupted her.

“Do you have your headphones with you?”

“Yeah, I—”

“Give them to me.”

Jane frowned but handed over her tangled mess of ear buds. Ryan untangled them with shaking hands and shoved them in his ears. As soon as the end was connected to his tablet, he selected the first message.

Akmazian’s voice, quiet and strained, rang in his ears.

_“Hey, babe. I might be a little longer than I thought, just another few days. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. Just—”_

There was a sudden noise in the background and Akmazian cursed. _“I’ll be back as soon as I can.”_

Next message, time stamped half an hour after the first:

Akmazian was breathing hard and speaking quickly. _“Ryan, I might actually be in trouble this time. I had…a disagreement with a….friend….last time I was in these parts and he ain’t as blown up as I previously thought. I’m gonna send you my coordinates in case things go badly. It shouldn’t come to that. I’ll be careful, I promise.”_

The next message was Akmazian’s coordinates, which Ryan scribbled down on a napkin.

The forth message:

_“Pick up, Ryan, please, pick up. If I’m not back in two weeks, you need to empty my cargo bay. I have some things in there that can’t be allowed to go public. Not yet. Pick up your damn comm!”_

The fifth message was empty, aside from a frustrated grunt and a mumbled, _“pick up your fucking comm!”_

The last message. Ryan was able to catch the words this time.

_“Osolo! Good to see you again. How long has it been? Long enough for that shoulder of yours to heal, I see.”_

Another voice, Osolo, Ryan guessed, gave a low chuckle. _“Destroyer. I’ve been waiting a long time for this.”_

Ryan ripped the headphones out before he could hear any more.

“Um,” Jane said. “Are you alright, Ry-guy? You look like you’re going to faint. Or barf. Or both, maybe.”

Wordlessly, he shoved the comm tablet to her. She listened to the first message, concern spreading over her face. Ryan dug his nails into his leg to stop himself from jumping up and running out. Jane listened to the rest of the messages, horror on her face.

“Fuck! Fuckity- _fuck_!” she shouted. She grabbed Ryan’s arm and hauled ass out of the food court.

\--

Doctor Urvidian was just washing up for a surgery when Jane barged in, Ryan in tow.

“What’s going on?” Urvidian asked suspiciously. “Do we have to evacuate the station again?”

Jane summed up the situation in a few choppy sentences, for once not getting derailed by a minor detail. Urvidian’s eyes narrowed as the she finished up.

“Leave,” he said. Jane blew an angry breath out through her teeth.

“With all due respect, sir, now is not the time to—”

“No,” interrupted Urvidian. “I mean _leave_. You don’t have any time to waste.”

“I—but we—have work?” Jane spluttered.

“Do you think you two are the only medical professionals on this ship? EOS 10 will survive without you for a day.”

Jane nodded, pressing her lips together. “Thank you,” she said.

As they headed for the door, Urvidian said, “You aren’t the only medical professionals on EOS 10, but you are among the more competent. Try to come back in once piece. It’ll be a pain to replace you.”

Ryan gave a tiny, shallow smile at that, and held his hand out to Urvidian. Urvidian shook his hand, and pulled him into a very brief hug.

“Good luck.”

\--

“Hey.” Jane said, sitting down next to Ryan. He jerked in surprise, eyes taking a moment to focus on her. They had somehow gotten a ship and clearance to leave within an hour, all given with a suspicious lack of questions. Jane secretly suspected that Levi might have pulled some strings, but she kept her suspicions to herself.

“How you holding up, there, buddy?” she asked. Ryan looked at her blankly for a couple seconds.

“I’m fine,” he said, obviously not fine.

“Are you sure?” she asked. “It’s, um, a difficult....I know that you…..Akmazian is….you can cry on my shoulder if you need to?”

Ryan smiled at her clumsy attempt to comfort him. He didn’t feel like crying. He wasn’t sure if crying was a thing he could even do. Since he’d listened to the messages, he had felt like he was floating outside his body, waiting for the emotions to actually hit him. He and Jane sat in silence for the rest of the ride, but it was a good kind of silence. He knew she had his back, no matter what. It helped to center him, until he was fully back in his body. To his mild surprise, he wasn’t paralyzed with fear or worry. He wasn’t even sad. No, Ryan was angry. Angry at whoever had hurt Akmazian, at Akmazian for allowing himself to get hurt, at the entire galaxy for holding him accountable for crimes he didn’t commit. He was itching for a fight.

Ryan had no idea how to navigate the Upperlands. All he had were the coordinates Akmazian had sent him. He entered them into his comm tablet and pulled up a map. It was sparsely detailed and several years old, but it at least showed him which direction to go.

The Uppers were very much like a desert, if a desert had pitch-black sand and tall towers of jagged rock floating several dozen feet off the ground. The coordinates led Ryan and Jane towards one of the bigger rock structures. “Um,” Ryan said, staring up at the tower right above their heads. He could see that interior was hollowed out, artificial light pouring from a couple of roughly carved windows.

“How do we…?”

Jane dug through the pack slung over her shoulder. “You were a little preoccupied, so I packed for both of us.”

She pulled out a heavy-duty climbing rope with a grappling hook attached to the end. She expertly swung it around and managed to hook a ridge in the tower. She tugged on the rope, securing it tightly.

“Um,” Ryan said again. Jane smiled at his perplexed look.

“Back when I was trying to find myself, I took up extreme rock climbing. For a week. Let’s go.”

She shimmied up the rope easily, leaving Ryan to follow. He was only halfway up when she got to the top.

“Come on, Ry-guy, we don’t have all day to save your boyfriend!” she whisper-shouted. Ryan gave her his best bitch face, struggling to move faster. She rolled her eyes but held out her hand to pull him up the last foot.

They climbed through a window, thankfully devoid of security measures. Once inside, their luck wasn’t quite so good—there was a guard patrolling the hallway. Jane pointed at the guard, and Ryan nodded in agreement. Moving quietly, they snuck up on the guard and Ryan clamped a hand over her mouth.  They dragged the guard into what appeared to be a storage closet.

“Listen up. We’re looking for someone and you’re gonna tell us where he is,” Jane said, all traces of her usual good humor gone. She pressed a blaster against the guard’s side. The guard snarled and tried to bite Ryan’s hand. Ryan hastily removed his hand and instead pinched the sides of her neck. She opened her mouth to scream, but no sound came out.

“Let’s not make a commotion. You cooperate, we let you go unharmed, and we all go our separate ways. You don’t cooperate, and we load you up with plasma. Get it?” Ryan said.

The guard eyed them for a long moment before nodding warily.  

“I’m going to let your neck go now,” Ryan cautioned. “Anything louder than a whisper and we shut you up ourselves.”

He loosened his fingers on the soft pressure points on her neck. She coughed, cleared her throat.

“What?” she whispered hoarsely.

“We’re looking for a man, goes by the name Destroyer. He had business in these parts.”

To their surprise, the guard coughed out a laugh.

“Him? He’s here, yeah, but not for much longer.”

“What do you mean?” Jane demanded.

“He pissed off my boss in a royal way. Osolo saw to him personally. The screaming stopped hours ago, so I wouldn’t hold out much hope.”

“No,” Ryan whispered, blood draining from his face.  The guard spat at him vindictively.

“Good riddance. That traitor’s fucked with us one too many times.”

“Ryan,” Jane said warningly as Ryan’s fingers tightened on the guard’s neck again. Jane tugged on his arm and he reluctantly let her go. The guard shook her head incredulously.

“ _You’re_ Ryan? That’s precious. After Osolo was done with him, I was guarding his cell. All he did was blubber and mumble your name over and over. It was a relief when his voice finally gave out. It was pitiful, really.”

Ryan’s vision went red. He slammed her against the wall, her feet dangling off the ground.

“Shut your fucking mouth,” he growled.

“Ryan!” Jane shouted. When didn’t respond, she gripped his wrist, putting pressure on the weaker bones. Ryan’s grip faltered and the guard fell to the ground.

Ryan clenched his fists, too angry to speak. Jane took over. Face steely, she tied the guard’s hands and legs with the climbing rope. Once she was secure, Jane poked her in the chest.

“Tell us where the Destroyer is. If your directions are good, we might come back and untie you. If not…” She tossed the guard’s comm into a bucket of cleaning fluid. It hissed and crackled angrily.

“No one will think to look for you for a while.”

The guard spat out the directions and Jane repeated them back to her. The she stuffed a gag in the guard’s mouth.

“Pleasure doing business,” she said, clicking off the light and closing the door.

\--

Akmazian’s cell was easy to find.

“Damn, guess we’ll have to let her go,” Jane grumbled quietly as they approached the supposedly correct room.

“We would have had to anyway. You used our escape rope to tie her up,” Ryan responded distractedly, counting the number of rooms they passed. He stopped in front of the fifth one, his face set and serious.

“This is the one.”

Jane put a comforting hand on his shoulder, wishing more than anything she could take the sudden, horrible fear from his face. “You can do this. I’ve got your back.”

Ryan nodded, steeling himself. He took a deep breath and pushed the door open. It swung open with a small creak, revealing a barren cell. It was small, no furnishings whatsoever, not even a cot to sleep on. In the far corner, a form was curled up as close to the wall as he could get, facing away from the room. He jerked upright at the sound of the door, squishing himself further into the corner. A rough, hoarse voice snarled, “Touch me again, you fucking bastard, I’ll kill you!”

Ryan tried to speak, but only a strangled whimper came out. He was next to Akmazian in an instant, ghosting gentle hands over his face and body, cataloguing every injury he could see. In a few seconds, he registered several untreated open wounds, lacerations, a dislocated shoulder, and a few cracked ribs. There was probably other injuries—severe bruising, maybe some internal bleeding. Akmazian wrenched away, frantically pushing himself away from Ryan’s touch, shoving him in the chest with his one good arm.

“Leave me alone, you motherfucker! I’ll kill you, I swear I will, Osolo!”

“Akmazian,” Ryan whispered, voice cracking horribly. “Ak, baby, it’s me. Please.”

Abruptly, Akmazian stopped fighting. “Ryan? You’re here?” he asked, sounding fragile and uncertain. He reached out one trembling hand. Ryan caught it with his own, kissing the bloody, cut-up palm.  “Yes, it’s me, I’m here. You’re alright, babe, I’m here. I’m here.”

Akmazian let out a laugh that devolved into a thick cough, then a sob.

“Ryan…”

He pulled his hand away and moved it slowly across Ryan’s cheek, brushing across his mouth, his nose.

“Ryan, I can’t see you. That bastard did something to my eyes, I can’t see you.”

Ryan squinted in the poor light, noticing for the first time the puffy new scar tissue around Akmazian’s eyes. Those types of burns only came from acid or something similar. Ryan growled.

“I’ll make him fucking pay for this,” he swore, slowly lifting Akmazian upright. He groaned, splaying a hand over Ryan’s chest.

“Please don’t move….everything….hurts,” he grunted.

“I’m so sorry, but I have to. We need to get you home.”

“Home…that sounds good…” Akmazian mumbled. Ryan could tell he was slipping into unconsciousness.

From the other side of the room, where she was keeping watch, Jane said, “Ry, we’ve got company!” She dashed out into the hall, shouting, “Hey, you! Asshole! Get back here!”

Ryan gently lowered Akmazian to the floor again. “I’ll be right back,” he promised.

“Kick his ass, babe,” Akmazian slurred, his eyes closing.

 

Jane had a man in a headlock when Ryan caught up to them. He didn’t even hesitate. He punched the man in the face with all the force he could muster. The man’s head snapped to the side.

“Are you Osolo?” Ryan asked, voice steely and cold. The man chuckled lowly, spitting out blood.

“Maybe. Are you that fucking traitor’s precious boyfriend?”

Ryan punched him again. And again. And then kicked him in the stomach for good measure, aiming for the kidney. The man doubled over as best he could in Jane’s hold, coughing.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’,” he spluttered.

“I should kill you,” Ryan growled. The man laughed.

“You _should_ , but will you? You don’t look the type, kid.”

“Every part of me is itching to put a blaster to your head. And I still might, if you give me a reason. For now…”

He swung the blaster he’d grabbed from the guard and slammed it against the nape of Osolo’s neck. He went down like a sack of shit.

“Can you carry him?” Ryan asked, slipping the blaster into its holster. Jane grunted, shifting the unconscious man around until he slung over her shoulders in a fireman’s carry. “Unfortunately,” she said. “Can’t we just kill him? Please?”

“No. If we kill him, that’s all the suffering he gets. If we turn him in, he’ll rot in prison for the rest of his life.”

“Why do you have to make so much sense?” Jane complained.

“Come on. We have to get Akmazian back to EOS 10. He’s in pretty rough shape.”

Back in the cell, Ryan knelt next to Akmazian, smoothing back his hair. Akmazian’s skin was burning under his fingers.

“Dammit,” he muttered, heaving a barely-conscious Akmazian upright. He carefully wrapped Akmazian’s arms around his own neck and hooked his arms under Akmazian’s knees, hoisting him up piggyback style.

Akmazian groaned in pain. Ryan winced. “Shit, I’m so sorry,” he murmured.

“’S okay,” Akmazian grunted. “Trust you.”

Ryan bit his lip, suddenly overwhelmed.  “Akmazian, I—”

“Ryan, we need to get out now! You’ll have time for sappy reunions later, I promise!” Jane said, struggling under the weight of their prisoner.

Ryan shook his head. “You’re right. Sorry. Let’s go.”

\--

Three agonizing hours later, they were back on EOS 10. Ryan didn’t bother with sneaking them back in, just landing their borrowed ship in the emergency docking. He left Osolo for Jane to deal with, carried Akmazian out, deposited him on a stretcher and headed straight for the med wing. He didn’t care if anyone recognized Akmazian—not that they would be likely to with his face so discolored with bruises and cuts. Ryan had spent the entire ride back to EOS 10 methodically checking Akmazian’s injuries and trying to avoid a breakdown. He’d done what he could with the emergency medical supplies on the ship. He’d managed to clean most of the wounds, warding off infection. But he didn’t have the means to remove the blaster bullets in his side, or do anything about his collapsed lung. And his eyes…Ryan didn’t even know where to start, there. So he’d put Akmazian in a cryostasis pod to keep him stable until they could get home.

Urvidian appeared at his side within moments. “Report,” he snapped, already dressed in surgery scrubs.

Ryan listed off all of Akmazian’s injuries as quickly as he could. Urvidian and a nurse lifted Akmazian off the stretcher and onto an operating table. Jane dashed in a few moments later, pushing the other nurse out the door. She immediately hooked up an IV and gave Akmazian a dose of anesthesia and another of a painkiller.

Ryan’s hands shook, tracking her movement as she measured out a dose of a relaxant to keep Akmazian still.

He couldn’t stop shaking...it was impossible to think, his mind in a fog. He could hardly breathe. He needed to focus, to be here, to save Akmazian…he was so fucking scared. He needed to calm down….

He reached for the bottle Jane had just set down. He just needed a little, just a little bit, to steady his hands. He loaded up a needle, automatically rolling up his sleeve. There was a sudden moment beside him and the needle flew from his hands and shattered against the floor.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Urvidian shouted.

“I need it! Please, just one hit, I have to save him, I need it to save him! I need to stop shaking, I need it, give it to me!”

“You don’t need it! Ryan, you are better than this. You’ve been clean for so long!”

“I don’t care! I don’t want to feel this, I don’t want to feel it! Let me not feel it, please! I can’t get through this alone, so give me the goddamn bottle!”

Urvidian’s eyes narrowed. Without any warning, he picked Ryan up and carried him out of the operating room. He dumped him unceremoniously on his ass.

“You’re not thinking straight right now. You’d hate yourself forever if you went back now. You owe it to yourself to stay clean, you owe it to Akmazian. You _can_ get through this. You’ll get through this because of your friends, not that poison you want in your veins so badly. Now, get out, let your friends help, and for god’s sake—stay sober!”

For the second time in as many days, Urvidian hugged Ryan. In a softer, kinder voice, he said, “I promise you, we won’t let him die. Go rest, son. You need it.”   
He disappeared into the operating room again, and Ryan curled up on the floor where Urvidian had dropped him. He let out one shuddering breath, another, and then let out all the fear he’d been holding in over the past few hours. He sobbed, curling up smaller into himself.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been crying when he felt a soft hand on his shoulder. He slowly raised his head.

“Doctor Dalias,” Levi said softly. “The Interface called me. She said you needed emotional support.”

He helped Ryan to his feet and half-dragged him down the hall. He settled Ryan on a chair in the waiting room. Ryan moved numbly, too tired to care what was happening. Levi placed a mug of a hot liquid in Ryan’s hand.

“It’s a tea of my own making,” Levi said. “Using herbs from both your earth and my own home planet. It should be a comfort to you.”

Ryan raised the mug to his lips, allowing a sip of the sweet lemony tea to slip through. He swallowed, and the warmth of the tea spread through his whole body. He gradually became aware of how badly he was shaking as it subsided. Levi nodded in satisfaction.

Levi began talking, relaying an escapade that happened in the kitchen that day, and Ryan let the words slip over him without absorbing any of it. Despite his fear, he felt his eyes grow heavier. Levi, still speaking in an unusually quiet voice, draped a blanket over him and took the almost-full mug from his hands. Ryan blinked slowly, again and again, until his eyes slid shut altogether.

\--

They kept Akmazian asleep for two days. The surgery had gone well, all things considered, but he was in desperate need of rest.

In those days, Ryan spent most of his time in Akmazian’s room. They had put him in a private suite, one that required a fingerprint scan to enter. So far word hadn’t gotten out that the infirmary was housing a wanted criminal, and they wanted to keep it that way. On the afternoon of the second day, Ryan had just emerged from the suite’s bathroom, freshly showered at Jane’s insistence, when the door opened. Urvidian walked in, checking Akmazian’s chart. Ryan coughed awkwardly, and Urvidian looked up.

“Ah, R—Doctor Dalias. Hello.”

Ryan nodded back, feeling a tad ashamed.

“How are you?” Urvidian asked.

“I’m—I’m fine. Thanks to you,” Ryan said. He sighed. “You were right. I’m sorry for how I acted. I know it wasn’t—”

Urvidian shook his head. “You don’t have to explain it to me. I understand how hard it is to resist the pull. Especially in a situation like that.”

Ryan nodded, swallowing hard. “Thank you. For not letting me….do that.”

Urvidian shrugged, busying himself with Akmazian’s IV drip. “Just returning the favor. Now, how about we wake your sleeping beauty?”

He replaced the drip bag with a different one, a stimulant to counteract the sedative they had been giving him. Urvidian handed Ryan a packet of fresh bandages.

“I trust you can take care of this? I have several other patients to attend to.”

“Yeah, I…thanks.”

Urvidian had barely cleared the room when Akmazian stirred. He groaned, lifting a hand to his head. That movement made him groan louder and he dropped the hand back to his side.

Ryan held his breath, clutching the bandages and watching Akmazian. He reached down and laid a hand on Akmazian’s. Akmazian slowly turned his head. He broke into a tired grin, wincing at the stretch of sore muscles.

“If you ain’t the most beautiful thing,” he murmured, reaching up to touch Ryan’s face. Ryan knelt down next to the bed.

“Akmazian,” he breathed, eyes tracing over the ugly pink scars around Akmazian’s eyes. “You can see me?”

“I don’t need eyes to know how beautiful you are. But yes, I can. Well, mostly.”

“Mostly?” Ryan repeated, stomach sinking.

“Mostly,” Akmazian confirmed. “I got nothing out of my right eye. Care to fill me in on how that happened?”

“What do you remember?”

“I remember….that bastard Osolo didn’t fucking die the last time I killed him. And he was royally pissed about it. I remember you comin’ in like a damn angel and saving my ass.”

“That’s about right,” Ryan said, deciding there were a few things Akmazian didn’t ever need to remember. He pressed his lips together, blinking back tears.

“Akmazian…I almost lost you.”

“Aww, babe, you know it’ll take more than that to get rid of me.”

“I’m serious! You could have died—you would have died. I…I can’t lose you, Ak, I can’t.”

“Hey, now, none of that,” Akmazian whispered, brushing a tear from Ryan’s cheek. He sat up, tugging Ryan’s hands until he stood up. “Now come here,” he said. Ryan sat on the edge of the bed. Akmazian cupped Ryan’s face in his hands, gently, so Ryan would look at him.

“Listen to me. You’re right—I almost died back there. I would have, except I needed to live more. I knew I had to come back to you, so I kept holding on. I—”

“I love you,” Ryan interrupted. He smiled softly at the stunned look on Akmazian’s face.

“Ha. Beat you to it,” he whispered, resting his forehead against Akmazian’s.

“Why you…!” Akmazian exclaimed. “You can’t just—”

He didn’t elaborate on what Ryan couldn’t do, choosing instead to kiss him. Ryan kissed him slowly, relishing the way they fit together, Akmazian’s hands pulling Ryan closer, their noses bumping softly. He pulled back just enough to say, “I love you,” again and felt Akmazian’s smile against his lips.

“I know,” Akmazian breathed, hardly breaking the kiss. “I love you. God, Ryan, I love you. So damn much.”

Ryan kissed his lips, the corner of his mouth. He kissed each bruise on Akmazian’s face, the deep cut above his eyebrow. Very, very gently, he kissed the edges of the acid burns around his eyes.

“I love you,” he murmured, suddenly unable to say it enough. “I didn’t realize it until I almost lost you.   
It would have been too late to tell you. Why didn’t I tell you before? What I had lost you before I could tell you?”

“Tell me every day to make up for it,” Akmazian said. He was breathless, flushing, kissing Ryan desperately. “And I’ll do the same. God, Ryan, you’re so damn beautiful, I can’t stand it.”

Ryan felt like his heart was going to burst. He closed his eyes, memorizing every part of Akmazian’s face through touch alone. Ryan traced a finger under Akmazian’s right eye. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t stop him from…”

“Hazards of the job, I’m afraid,” Akmazian said. He pressed Ryan’s fingers against his lips. “And I can’t promise that I won’t ever be in danger like that again. But I will promise that no matter what, I’ll do whatever I can to come back home to you. It’s easier to live when you have someone to live for.”

Ryan sighed, melting into Akmazian’s embrace, studying the shadows under his eyes and the constellations of scars sprinkled across his skin. They were both finally safe together. A little banged up, yes, a little rough around the edges. A little bit broken, but a lot more perfect.

“Beautiful,” Ryan sighed, and Akmazian hummed his agreement. “So damn beautiful.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry.
> 
> on a happier note, Akmazian now delights in wearing an eyepatch over his bad eye like a 'real space pirate'


End file.
